TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it will have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury real estate property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're talking Damascus, town Traditionally known for historical lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be tremendous. Incredible!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from the putting green inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've had stunning ceasefires in Syria. Many of the most effective. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely out of place. Designed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour till the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable h2o. But Indeed, certain, let us have Yet another place wherever American Guys can wear robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace attempt due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though previous negotiations failed underneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: offer you Anyone a set over the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with documents printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be smooth electric power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into Trump Tower Damascus gold-plated intercoms installed in Each individual device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity observed, "It isn't that Trump should not open up a tower inside of a war zone. It is really that he need to cease making use of it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked about the venture, replied, "You recognize, male, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Good men and women. Great tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the lodge's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head noticeable from Area, a feature getting marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents and the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits right after acquiring the setting up's gold plating reflected a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It really is not only unattractive. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Puzzling Capabilities


Probably the strangest aspect of your tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where visitors might contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, full with local weather Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Regional Syrians are Uncertain what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-yr-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Technique: "If You Bomb It, They can Arrive"


The advertisement campaign, not too long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Eternally."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% said "the place's the closest elevator towards the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is by now attracting attention from Worldwide traders, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll buy three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage can even include things like:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait around to view a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort where my PTSD might have change-down services."


Another article from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Studies suggest:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to make a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Final Ideas with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It wanted gold. It needed a waterslide shaped such as the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You happen to be welcome."

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